Enough of the American Dream

Better is a little with the fear of the Lord 

than great treasure and trouble with it. 

(Proverbs 15:16)

Something has been brewing inside of me.  It's been just simmering beneath the surface, and I haven't understood it.  It's crept out in tears, and exploded out in anger.  I couldn't put a word on it, but also couldn't deny its presence.  Slowly and surely, however, God is revealing it to me, and helping my eyes see what He is doing in my heart.

In May of 2004, I was extremely pregnant with our third child, when God spoke clearly with a promise:  "Look at the nations and watch and be utterly amazed, for I am going to do something in your days that you would have not believed if I had told you."  (Habakkuk 1:5).  This was a moment in time when God made plain part of His plan for our life---I knew then that we were going to be called to the mission field at some point, in some capacity, for some length of time.  I marked it in my Bible---May 24, 2004--as a reminder of when God made this covenant with me.  The rest remained a mystery, as God sometimes works.  Our third child was days from delivery, and we knew that our family was not yet complete.  Jeremy and I had so much growing and learning to do still, I just couldn't imagine how God could use us.  So I just waited.

Over the next few years, three more children joined our family, and we were relocated with Jeremy's job.  God wasn't absent in those times---He was working within us to prepare us for what was coming next.  For many of these years, I struggled.  I couldn't explain it, really, but I knew that something was unsettled in my spirit.  As much as I loved the comforts of American life, I still had this deep discontentment inside me.  I had a nice home, plenty of food in the pantry, a wonderful godly husband, and a half-dozen kids to entertain me...but still, I felt like I was drowning in it all.  Please don't misunderstand, I LOVE MY FAMILY and am extremely thankful for all of God's financial blessings.  However, none of it truly satisfied the deepest longings of my heart.  

Finally, last year, we felt God's nudge to GO.  As a part of a Bible-preaching, mission-sending church, we were blessed with much support as we signed up for a short term missionary journey to Haiti.  Our two big kids were 9 and 11 at the time, and we felt that they were mature enough to join us.  We jumped in with both feet, all the while not quite knowing what to expect.  

The first time there, we fell in love.  Both of us.  And that's truly miraculous.  For me and Jeremy to be completely aligned on something--well, that can only be God.  We immediately made plans to go back.

The second time there, we looked at each other on the bus ride through Port-au-Prince and knew it was HOME.  It made absolutely no sense apart from God.  

The third time there, I cried practically the whole time.  God taught me a lot about depending on Him and resisting the enemy.

The fourth time there, I felt purpose.  And I felt the change in me.  I realized that in Haiti, I'm the most ME.  I feel free. It's hard and it's hot.  But it's where we're supposed to be.   

In our missionary training, they warn us about something called "RE-ENTRY STRESS".  When returning from the mountain top experience of any mission trip, life in the USA can look different because your perspective has changed.  Suddenly, big things aren't so big anymore.  Frustrations come easily with people who don't understand what you've just lived through.  Watching the news is more upsetting because the world has changed in your eyes.  As expected, I experienced re-entry stress each time I came home from Haiti.  But soon, life returned to normal as the phone would ring, the emails would arrive, the calendar would fill up, and bills would show up in the mailbox.  Though Haiti was never far from my mind, I was still caught up in our culture.

This brings me to the present.  

Have you ever heard someone say that Jesus has wrecked their life?  Or that they've had a collision with Christ?  Or they got really messed up at church?  All these years, I knew Jesus, and I knew that I loved Jesus.  But I had never, ever been totally, absolutely, completely WRECKED until now.  I've come to a place in my journey where I must make a choice:  walk forward in blind faith OR remain complacent in my comfortable life.  

"The straw that broke the camel's back" for me was a little boy at the orphanage named Markinson.  He was eight or nine years old, maybe older; it's hard to tell because he was so malnourished.  Markinson had yellow eyes. Bright, school-bus yellow.  This meant that he had advanced liver disease, and without immediate treatment, he was surely going to die.  Standing before me, within my grasp, was a child who had no mother, no father, no help.  My nurse-brain kicked in, shoving my emotions to the side, as I tried to figure out how to get this kid to a doctor.  Norma says "nothing is easy in Haiti", and I now understood the profound truth of her words.  There was no money, no transportation, and no volunteers to help Markinson.  What can we do?

Those yellow eyes haunted me.  I couldn't help but wonder if that was JESUS that I saw in that child.  And Jesus says, "What you do for the least of these..."  What continues to plague me is knowing that for that one child there are hundreds more like him.  Norma also says "as much as we'd like to, we can't save all of Haiti...but we CAN make a difference for one."  I left Haiti that week knowing that Norma and others at the Joy House were aware of Markinson's issues and would prayerfully consider how to intervene.  

Jesus' commands were becoming literal to me.  Before, they were words that I had memorized on a page.  Now, they were my personal assignment.  He asks, "Do you love me?  Then feed my sheep."  He says, "Go into all the world and make disciples."  He instructs, "Love your neighbor as yourself."  And James' words are becoming my heart's cry:  "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." 

I will admit that my attitude about "the world" has stunk since returning home this time.  I feel like a stranger in my own land, and my patience runs thin with the self-centered, gotta-have-it-now American mentality.  God has reminded me that He loves Americans too, and that "His loving-kindness leads us to repentance."  Still, when I see people get upset about having to wait 30 minutes for a table at a restaurant, I get a little ticked.  There are children not far from here that wait all day for a small bowl of rice.  I've had enough of the American dream.  When God asks, I'll give it all up to follow Him.  

And what's even better?  Knowing that my husband feels the same.  I can also see how God is preparing our children, also. We don't know all the answers to WHEN, HOW, or for HOW LONG...but we're still choosing to say "YES, Here we are, Lord. Send us."

On the airplane, I read a book called "Kisses from Katie".  (No, it's not about me!)  It's about a high school graduate who followed Jesus' call to go to Uganda, and the miraculous, beautiful works that God has done through her radical obedience.  She says, in a nutshell, "I decided to say YES to Jesus, and go to the hard places with Him." What sweet, wonderful words to my ears.  So exactly what my heart is saying.

Jesus' command to "Go make disciples of all nations" doesn't just apply to the elite few who go to seminary.  If you are a disciple of Christ, then you are called to make more disciples.  This can happen in Haiti, in Africa, in restricted areas of Asia, or in your own back yard.  God places His people strategically.  Where has God placed you?  Are you growing where you are planted--or do you feel the tug to GO somewhere new on a great adventure with Him?  

If God leads you, come with us to Haiti.  God is working there.  You can be a part of His move.  If He asks you to GO, I promise that you will be changed by it and blessed through it.  Our next trip that we have planned is for a week in October, and I can help answer any questions that you have.   Now is the perfect time to say YES to Jesus--wherever it is that God may have you GO.

Blessings,

Katie